Wow

I have OCD. There is no way around it, no way to deny it. I don't have to tap a doorway a certain amount of times, I don't have to sneeze 23 times before I walk down a hallway, I don't wash my hands until they bleed. (The last one might be debatable.) I am not speaking poorly of people that do suffer greatly from this disorder, I'm just making mention that I am not suffering.

I like things in their place. I like the house to be clean and have a systematic way of doing it. I love when every bit of the laundry is done. (I will wait to do the last load of laundry until I can take my dirty clothes off and put them immediately in the washing machine - so, you know, EVERY piece of laundry will be clean.) I like having my closet organized by color. I like the rug in the bathroom to look "fresh," not matted down from footprints. I like the way the lines on the carpet look after I vacuum. I like the refrigerator organized.

All of these things (and many, many more things) lessen anxiety for me. I don't consider myself an anxious person necessarily, but...Okay, maybe I am. I worry a lot, so, I guess I am an anxious person. Thank you, Memaw. Having things in order make me sane. Keeping those things in order keep me sane. Everyone told me that when I had Clay I wouldn't have time to be OCD. Wrong. I strap him in the baby bjorn, let him sleep, and go about my OCD cleaning business. It works for now. He needs sleep and he sleeps great in the baby bjorn and I need to lessen my anxiety about going back to work, so I clean. Will it work when he gets older? Who knows.

What I do know is that I don't want Clay to be an anxious person. Casey and I both have anxiety of sorts. Not debilitating, just anxious. We both know it and we both have our own ways of dealing with it. I clean and he works on projects. Could be worse - the last sentence could be...I smoke crack and he shoots heroine. Neither of us takes drugs, uses illicit drugs, or goes "crazy" from our anxiety. I think a certain level of anxiety is good, it keeps me on my toes. I am hyper-aware in public, I notice ALL of my surroundings, and am cautious in large groups. That will come in handy when I am out and about with Clay.

Wow. This was just really supposed to be a post about how I cleaned the house this morning and how much less anxious I felt about going to work this Friday. So, the moral to this long drawn out story is - I'm feeling okay today about going to work Friday. I am doing things this week with Clay to busy my mind! We are reading a lot, playing a lot, and snuggling a whole lot!

He is wonderful by the way. Clay. He's truly amazing if I haven't mentioned it lately. He's laughing at Casey and me now and it is incredible.