Approach

The thought of going back to work lately has thrown me into hysterics. I mean it. I cry and weep and snot and so on. It's ugly. I realized that I was going about things the wrong way. I have recently (okay, so, two days now) been going about it with a different approach. I am methodically and systematically planning my return to work now. I have made lists of what I need to get together, things I need to do, and added to the lists are reasons (goals if you will) of why I need to go to work. Some of those things include: pay off a few minor things, upgrade the kitchen, landscape the yard, lay different floors in the house, and so on. You see, I have to have goals and valid reasons for going back because if not I just sit here and cry about leaving Clay! Yes, I will still cry, but I am trying to look at things differently.

The reasons I cry when I think about leaving him are not good reasons. When I say the reasons out loud they sound ridiculous to me even, but still I cry. 1. I will miss him - that's the obvious one, the only one that is a valid reason. 2. He will not know me anymore. Really? Do I really think that or am I just delusional? 3. He will not want to breastfeed anymore. Come on. That's what he loves, that is his passion for the moment. I really don't think he will want to stop breastfeeding, he will probably want to breastfeed more for comfort. 4. He will cry all day. Why would he cry all day if he doesn't now? 5. No one could possibly love him as much as I do. Casey would beg to differ. 6. I may lose my mind being away from him. True. Very true. The main reason I cry is the thought that he will no longer need me. He will be independent of me and that is heartbreaking! I know, I know - this is just the beginning. If I think that now I can't imagine what I will think when he is 25 with his own family. Sigh.

So, I am still not okay with going back to work, but all my lists are lessening my anxiety about it. The more anxiety I feel, the more lists I will make and maybe when I run out of paper my anxiety will go away.