Breastfeeding

Warning - This may be a long, babbling post. I am trying to sort out a few things about the whole breastfeeding thing and what better place to do it.

When we first found out we were pregnant it was never a question whether or not I would breastfeed, that was the one certainty. It's natural. It's free. It's best for him. (I thought) It would be convenient. So, naturally, immediately after he was born the first thing I wanted to do was to breastfeed him within the first hour of his life because that is when newborns are typically most awake. He did great. He knew exactly what to do. (Don't ask me how they know, but they know.)

It was rough at first - and by "at first" I mean the first two weeks were difficult. It was physically exhausting because he was eating every hour or two, day and night - it was emotionally exhausting because of all the hormonal changes your body goes through just having had a child and breastfeeding on top of that - BUT there has been nothing like it! The bond that I feel like I have with him is like no other. He depends solely on me for nourishment and knows that with the first sign of hunger he will be fed. The benefits for him are extraordinary and I have always known that, what I didn't know is that I would see benefits for myself as well. I look forward to the time we breastfeed because the world stops - I am providing something for my little one that no one else could provide, I am doing something for him that could possibly impact the rest of his life.

All that being said - I have to go back to work soon and I am struggling with this. I have been solely breastfeeding and have only given him a total of 4 bottles (with breast milk) since birth. He took the bottles fine and didn't seem to have any problems at all as a result, but it was still difficult! It was difficult for me. It was impersonal, it was distant - it wasn't the same. I know I have to get over it, I know most people would think that it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it is to me. It's a BIG fat deal to me. I try to rationalize that he will still be getting breast milk and still not getting formula, I try to rationalize that it will give me a break from feeding and I will be able to breathe for a minute, I try to rationalize that it may make nights easier when I am exhausted for Casey to be able to feed him - none of those rationalizations make me feel any better about the prospect of bottle feeding. Crazy much? I know.

I know that when I go back to work all of this will work out. I will pump at work all day and come home and breastfeed him at night and the world will still turn - he will still know who I am, he will not forget how to breastfeed, and he too will look forward to our time. (Mainly because he has a one track mind - food.) I know that this is much harder on me than it will be for him - like I have said before, he is agreeable. With everything.

That's all for now.