Distant

My pregnancy with Clay is a distant memory now. I am so thankful that I have been able to move past it, the trauma of it, and enjoy every day with him. I use the word trauma because I kind of felt traumatized by it - during the pregnancy, shortly after the delivery, and even sometimes still. I don't dwell on it, I'm not obsessing about it, I just want to remember it. Fondly. Not the excessive puking, the excessive contractions, the constant scared-to-death-feeling-of-the-threat-of-loss feelings, but the actual pregnancy.

I am beginning to remember the things I loved about being pregnant with Clay. I LOVED feeling him move, I LOVED knowing that I was doing everything I could to keep him safe, I LOVED knowing that only I could nurture him, I LOVED the second he was born. I LOVED loving him while I was pregnant without even knowing (truly knowing) him. I LOVED knowing that I was carrying a child that Casey and I created. I LOVED knowing that we would get to love him forever. I loved a lot about my pregnancy with Clay and from this point on will only talk about the good things about the pregnancy. Not because anyone is asking me to, but because I want to. I want to be able to tell Clay about my pregnancy. And talk about it fondly. (Granted, he may never ask, but if he does, I don't want any negativity to escape my mouth.)

I am amazed every day looking at him now. And know, without any doubt, that every struggle was more than worth it! I would do it twenty times over for him. (It's amazing the things I would do for him - almost anything. And everything.)